The music I didn't write

On the invisible forces that shape our creative choices

21-year-old me, listening for the first time to Disquiet, a piece I wrote at university, being played by a small orchestra of professional musicians. Shortly after this, I graduated, went to work for Barclays – and didn’t write another piece of music until last year.

Music, She Wrote

Warm by the fire,
where I have come to rest,
the river Dart becoming the sea beyond,
I stop counting the things I am grateful for 
and fall into grief.

All the music I didn’t write is lodged
in my body: my throat, my chest,
under my fingernails, like dirt
that won’t wash away.

Three years at university, 
and it’s only men I can name: 
Mahler, Mendelssohn, Messiaen,
but one of them – today, I learned,
thirty years too late – had a sister
and today her music is all there is,
as I crawl from the sofa, to the carpet, 
and let the grief take me.

Will it become an ocean too? 
Try to stay positive, 
a stranger once said, 
as it flowed onto the page: 
It’s too late. It’s too late. Too late.

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For Christmas, I received the book A Year of Wonder by Clemency Burton-Hill, a talented musician, broadcaster, novelist, and documentary-maker. Within its pages, she offers 366 miniature invitations to enjoy 366 different pieces of classical music – one for each day. She covers the masters – Bach, Brahms and Beethoven – but also lesser known composers, from all over the world. And she includes, unlike my university education in music, many women.

In her words: ‘with the exception of some fierce pioneers, the history of women in classical music is pretty much this, right up to the late twentieth century: talented human is compelled to express herself through music but is repressed by a patriarchy that forbids her from composing except behind closed doors.’

My musical education took place at the close of the twentieth century, but it was invariably men who were held up as the example. The reasons for this are many and complex. But as I caught up on Clemency’s recommendations while on holiday – three women in a row from 2nd-4th February – it occurred to me that perhaps the reason I decided not to follow the longing in my heart to continue my compositional studies via a masters, was not entirely about me ‘selling out.’

It is true that the lure of a corporate job, to my young self, was seductive. Good money. The possibility of prestige, far earlier, and far more certain, than it ever would have come through a career in writing music. But it is also true that back then, I would have struggled to name more than two or three women composers. And not a single living one. Perhaps, at some level, that was a reason too. Not a conscious one, but powerful enough to shape my choices.

I am glad we live in a time now when women can see more and more role models in their chosen fields to inspire them. I am glad that my seventeen-year-old daughter feels entitled to pursue her dreams.

And I am sad that my twenty-one year-old self didn’t.

I’m not sure that sadness will ever completely leave. All I can do is learn to walk with it.

Writing this, allowing it to be named, allowing it to exist in that imperfect poem above, allowing it to exist beyond the confines of my journal, feels both necessary and tender.

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If you choose to comment, please do not offer any kind of advice or ‘chin-up’ perspective. Instead, I would love to hear what this poem and/or my reflection is touching in you and your experience.

With thanks to

Joy Sullivan

and her beautiful poetry workshop for the inspiration and invitation to write into the tender, incomplete places that connect us.

Whatever places your creative journey takes you, I’m sending you a wave from over here.

With love,

Claire

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Upcoming Events

…In person (Camberwell, South London): I’m excited to be hosting two writing circles on Saturday 8th March as part of the Time of the Month festival to celebrate International Women’s Day! All profits to he local charity Spring Up Women. Details and booking links here.

…Online: The Joyful Visibility Creativity Circle is a transformative monthly space for women to explore writing as a healing, empowering, creative practice that connects us with ourselves, our authentic voice, and the experience of being alive.

Upcoming dates: 13th/14th March, 10th/11th April. 90 minutes, choice of three times each month. No long-term commitment. Dip your toe in, or come along every month. Full details here.

“This whole experience has given me confidence in my creative writing ability. Like so many people, I never thought I was good enough or had anything to say as a writer and the circle has helped me in debunking these limiting beliefs. It has inspired me to write more and share it more. It has also helped find confidence in my voice, my story and creative talents." —Jess, regular Circle participant

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