On collaboration

Letting go of the need to impress

A favourite walk near home, Berkshire, UK, Nov 2019

On Tuesday I’m meeting with the editor who will support me birth my book. She is the first person to read it.

I’ve submitted my creative writing to other experts in the past, and in one way or another, it has marked the beginning of the end. It happened with my poetry and with my first attempt at writing an entirely different book. 

As I have sought validation, my ego has yanked the steering wheel from my inner artist and taken me on the road to nowhere. 

I’ve daydreamed about the feedback I’d love to receive this time. Marion used to work for The New York Times and has authored four books with mainstream publishers. Her own prose makes me gasp with delight and laugh out loud. Every email she sends her subscribers is infused with her sparkling personality and no-nonsense candor. A thumbs up from her would be the best early Christmas present I could hope for.

But I also know that when I put people on a pedestal, it changes how I show up. I start grasping for approval. I can lose my ability to discern. I enjoy the relationship less.

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One thing I definitely didn’t enjoy in my corporate career was hierarchy. I used to seize up around my superiors. I’d laugh at my bosses’ jokes whether I found them funny or not and was always impeccably prepared for my one-to-ones. I made it easy for them to tick the boxes on the end of year appraisal document and attached my worth to those outcomes. 

At school my reports always glowed. I got in serious trouble just once, for talking in class. I was dealt the punishment of writing ‘I must not waste time’ one hundred times. When the teacher tore up those lines and threw them in the bin, I stared at the floor and vowed never to misbehave again.

Creating a book is entirely different territory to navigating the politics of the corporate world, or pleasing the teachers at school, but it seems that the good girl in me is rearing her head regardless.

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Over the past year I’ve experienced the power of creative collaboration, with no hierarchy at play, real or imagined.

I am part of a women’s circle. Reading passages of my writing out loud to the women there, and receiving their support, has helped me keep going when I’ve hit blocks along the way.

One of the women in that group, Linda, is now my writing buddy. We swap voice notes a few times a week and send one another our work for review. I started to lean into that relationship soon after beginning Glitter and Biscuits, and it was a revelation.

She is the first person I have shared my writing with for critique and felt no angst. With Linda by my side, it feels easier to write and share my work. She sees the world through her own unique lens and her comments on what touches her, and what leaves her with questions, opens up new possibilities. When I know I’d like to write about something that feels tender, I can feel her hand on my back, despite her living on the other side of the world. Sometimes her reflections help me reach a deeper understanding of what it is I’m actually writing about. Her presence enriches the process and what I am able to create.

Her company, these past eight weeks or so, has had me realize that I never want to be on the creative path alone again.

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And so, as I anticipate Tuesday and receiving the first set of edits, I choose to step into the energy that Linda and I inhabit together. Marion is yet another wonderful woman I get to collaborate with. Not a teacher or boss I need to impress, despite her dazzling credentials.

At the risk of taking the birth/midwifery metaphor a little too far, when we meet next week, she will be helping me navigate a process I have not faced before. She will help normalize the aches and pains that I know are coming, and that have already started.

Her presence will help make my dream of touching other women’s lives with the book I’m crafting more possible.

With love,

Claire

p.s. You can comment/like/share via the buttons at the top of this letter if you feel moved to.

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Instagram: @clairemackinnonwrites

Website: clairemackinnon.com

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