I still want to live up a mountain

On the choice to 'not show up,' in a digital world that demands that we do

My Greek Mountainside in Devon, UK where I spent a week, solo, in March

A friend wrote to me recently and said (I’m paraphrasing) “you’ve been quiet lately.”

Yes, I have. On here, and on social media in general. This week I was reminded why: writing just one post on LinkedIn disturbed my otherwise calm, creative, inner waters resulting in a small, but destructive, tsunami in my marriage in the following days. [It’s okay - we’ve made up now]

It seems, right now, the more I stay away from throwing my words out into the void, the happier, more present, and more content I feel, and importantly the more creatively inspired I am.

But this time, it’s not about hiding.

It used to be. At one time, I didn’t believe what I had to say was worthy of anyone’s time or attention. On the rare occasion I did wrestle that debilitating belief to the ground, my inner perfectionist would steal the joy from whatever I did choose to write and share.

Those patterns still linger, but they are in the background, hovering, not running the show. Now, it’s a question that dominates:

Is this what you truly want to spend your time and energy on? Is this where you choose to pour your precious life force today?

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As I felt the urge to write this note to you, this morning, over Sunday tea - as my husband languishes in bed with his man flu, and my children await collection from their dad’s - the answer was a clear ‘yes’. But most times recently, when I have felt the initial urge to write for online consumption, it has been a clear, and definite ‘no. Not now. Not today.’

As Kening Zhu writes in ‘the internet as a creative practice’:

“You cannot truly embody a creative practice in an environment that exploits attention for profit, where you’re pushed to measure your “success” according to metrics of validation. This system encourages that the creative act, not be embodied and lived, but performed and pantomimed.”

It’s that word - embody - that gives me chills. It sits at the centre of how I want to experience my creativity. To me, it is what it means to live. As I exist right now, something about the online world, most often, sends me up into my head. It doesn’t feel real or truly human, though my logical mind knows that humans made it, that it is only a way for us to connect.

When working on what I term ‘offline’ creative projects, the desire to park my bum on the chair and do nothing else radiates from the very centre of my body and being. And these aren’t invisible projects that no one will see. They are words that are - or will be - shared in other places: in circle, in the pages of my book, on the pages of collaborative projects being led by others.

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One of my favourite poets is Kate Baer, and this May, I hunted down her Substack. Like many of her poems do, these words from her newsletter update made me do that weird thing where you laugh and cry at the same time, not fully knowing why, but somehow feeling recognised:

“I recognize this newsletter is a bit of a disappointment for anyone looking for a poet to perhaps wax poetic or for a retired blogger to write a piece of non-fiction or two. For now, however, this space is simply meant for monthly updates on events, merch, books, and random playlists. My creative reserves are spent in private writing books with occasional posts on Instagram, daily IG stories, updates, and daydreaming lunch.”

The bold formatting is mine. That. My creative reserves are spent in private. Yes. That. To me, I am realising now, that is everything.

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This November I am retreating for a week, to an Airbnb to work on my book. I shall also be resting, eating good food, talking long walks and long baths, and reading as much poetry as I can get my hands on.

I am not going there to ‘complete my book’ because I don’t know if that is true. It might be. I’m close. Partly, thanks to the decision to ask myself that wondrous question each day for most of this year, as I feel the pull to my phone, and other places my soul would rather I not spend my time:

[One more time for the folks at the back :) ]

Is this where I choose to pour my precious lifeforce today?

It won’t be the first time I’ve gone on a solo retreat. Back in March, I spent a full week alone in another Airbnb. It wasn’t quite a shepherds hut on a Greek mountainside, but close (pictured above).

It was the first time I’ve dared to claim a week for myself in this way, and perhaps the most the delicious seven days I’ve spent in my life to date. I’m not being hyperbolic. When it was time to leave, I wept, and breached the ten AM check-out. Not once did I go on social media. That week there were only books, poetry and my own words flowing from my fingertips onto the screen.

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I share all this with you, not because I’ve got this all figured out, or because I think the internet should be dismantled, but because I’m learning that there are times when we may feel the pull to go in, and times we may feel called to emerge.

The structure of doing both simultaneously may work for some people. Being out there, may inspire their most authentic creations and best-lived lives. But for the rest of us - depending on the wounds we are healing, our past, our true nature - it might look quite different.

And that is okay. Despite what the teachers and gurus on ‘how to live a creative life/write a book/sell a book/etc’ say.

Trusting what feels nourishing, to us, right now, today, is a path we can choose.

Trusting that path may lead to what inspires us, and others, in ways we can’t even imagine.

Thank you for your company here :)

With love,

Claire

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P.S. Another emergence from this ‘online fallow period’ has been the creation of The Joyful Visibility Creativity Circle, a monthly gathering I’ve been hosting, which is now five months old.

This is for leaders, entrepreneurs and creatives seeking a safe, non-judgemental, nourishing space to write in the company of other like-souled women.

You can join each month - as a growing number of the participants choose to do - or dip your toe in, when you feel like it.

Full details and the booking link are here. October’s circle takes place this Thursday 17th with a choice of times: 9am (UK) and 6.30pm (UK)/10.30am Pacific. One seat remains available at the first session, and four in the second. 14th November is also open for booking. Eight seats at per circle. £15 per seat.

If you feel the call, I look forward to seeing you there! If you know any women who might appreciate this space, do share with them :)

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